Dear Colby

I hope that when you’re older you read this. Everything I’ve done has been with your best interests at heart, and I will always love you, forever.

Firstly I want to say sorry, for all those times I felt low, when I was no fun. All you wanted to do was play but instead mummy sat there crying. All those times I felt frustrated at you, I never really meant it.

Now all the times when I was fun. Going to the park, your smile when I push you on the swings always making me melt a little. The slide took you a while to get the confidence to go down but now it’s your second favourite thing. 

Colours and painting, I’ll support you with what you love to do, but not so much when you decide to draw all over my walls! Even worse when your favourite colour is either brown or black and the walls are white. You give me one of your cheeky grins and I can’t stay cross at you. The walls need painting anyway.

The one thing about you that I adore the most is your personality. In your 22months of life so far you have become the funniest and most intelligent little person I know. How many toddlers would take a bite of their pizza and then tell you it looks like a trapezium! I’ve never known a child like you, and I’m not just saying it because I’m your mummy. The things you know at your age, most 2-3 year olds struggle with. So please, don’t feel that you can’t do something or you’re not good enough. You are my smart, clever and funny baby boy and I know you can achieve anything. I promise to always be supportive of your decisions. I may disagree with some of your life choices, but every parent would. Doesn’t me I won’t help you or be there for you.

There are days where I feel so guilty, for having your sister. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’ve taken precious time that we could of spent together. Instead you’re having to share me. But please don’t forget, I loved you first, and I will always love you and your sister just the same. I will never compare you two as you are your own person. Be who you are, let your individuality shine through. You have to love yourself and you will be able to conquer anything. 

You have taught me so many things, things that have completely changed my outlook on life. I was 24 when I had you. When I was pregnant with you I stopped smoking, just like that, never touched another one and it’s been nearly 3 years. I can’t preach at you and tell you not to smoke when I did, but I can give you advice. Yes most kids will smoke nowadays but there is more to life than cigarettes and alcohol. You can still go out and have a good time, I’d never deny you that, I just urge you to be careful. It’s so easy to mix with the wrong crowd. My worst nightmare would be to lose your or your sister. Especially to something like drugs. If you ever feel like you are struggling with life, you can turn to me, your daddy, anyone. We will listen, we won’t judge. You may hate what we say in response but we will only ever say it out of love.

So I promise you, I will never lie to you, never hurt you, never upset you or make you cry. I promise to always be there for you, to listen to you and to help you with anything.

We don’t have a massive bank balance and I’m sorry if you’ve been upset because you didn’t get the latest toy. I will always spoil you with love and I’ll always try to get you what you want. When you’re older though you will realise how much we give you. You have a roof over your head, food to eat and a comfy bed. Toys and gadgets are replaceable, but you are not, and never will be.

So along the way I know you will say you hate me and daddy, we are unfair for not buying you a ridiculously expensive phone for your 13th birthday. I expect you to have tantrums and we will fall out, it doesn’t mean I’m prepared and I may get some things wrong too. Everything with you I’m learning myself, it’s all a new experience. Not everyone will do something perfectly the first time round, you have to work at it and never give up.

I will never give up on you, please never give up on me.

Colby Jack Smith – Forever my baby boy

I love you x

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