Days off? Next joke.

I’m pretty sure the perception of ‘stay at home mums’ or us mums on maternity leave is that we sit on our backsides all day. Trust me, going to work feels like a bloody holiday. Post natal depression and two children under two is just a recipie for disaster!

All my life I’d wanted children, out of 8 pregnancies I’m blessed with my two healthy (and tiring) kiddies. But there are days where I am riddled with guilt, and that is when I’m feeling run down and poorly. All I want to do is ship them off to other family members and hide in bed. I sometimes wish I wasn’t breast feeding so I can actually get a full nights sleep. 2 hourly feeds are not cool Darcie Jayne!!

There are times where my partner makes me feel jealous, he can go to work and have time away from the kids, go to the gym and have nights out with the lads. I’m like a prisoner in my own home some times. I can have people watch my babies for me so I can have date nights, but I also have to consider that they are my priority the next day. Gone are the days/nights staying out till sunrise absolutely pissed out of my face. Hungover and dealing with my daughters breast fed korma shits and my toddler who seems to of hit the terrible twos early, not a good mix!

I would never put a night out drinking before my children, there are days I feel like a rubbish parent as it is. But this is where the post natal depression comes into it.

Am I good enough? Am I doing the right thing? Should I of had kids in the first place? These are common thoughts that run through a woman’s mind that is suffering with PND. Then it’s made worse by comments like ‘it’s all in your head’ ‘you need to get over it’. You can’t, you can’t just get over it and forget it. There isn’t a switch. Medication helps for a short while but then they just make you end up feeling flat and lacking motivation to even leave the house. There is so much stigma going round about mothers and depression, it makes us PND sufferers want to hide away as ‘harmless’ comments can be extremely emotionally damaging.

What most women forget, is that they are a hell of a lot stronger than they think. Dealing with this daily mental torture but still managing to put their children first. Regardless if they think they are doing a good job or not. We don’t give up, we don’t have days off. We get through each and every day, hiding our sadness with a painted smile. We can do this because we ARE doing this.

Now add that with illness? Chest pain, a sore throat that you physically can’t talk and throwing up the entire contents of your stomach? I had a tactical chunder while feeding at 2am a few nights ago, poor Darcie nearly had it all over her head. But you have to make some yucky sacrifices, so I did it down the sleeve of my dressing gown. I then put an undisturbed baby back to bed fast asleep, still with sick down my sleeve. As long as she was snug and asleep (alright for some hey?!) I didn’t care! I cleaned myself up, and by the time I’d finally got into clean pj’s, put my sicky clothes in the wash, I only managed 30 minutes sleep until my little girl wanted feeding again!

I can’t moan though, as the innocent stare in her eyes when she sees me come to her rescue from starvation, it just melts me. Although I felt like I was literally melting last night from my raging temperature!

Being mummy is a daily battle for me, and it’s one I refuse to lose! 

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